Happy May, Internet! We finally made it into the fifth month of the year. The last couple of months have really felt like a couple of years to be honest. I can’t help but feel like I’m over 2020 already, but I’m trying to stay optimistic for the rest of the year. Hopefully, summer can be much better than the spring.
I wanted to have a couple minutes of your time to just vent some frustrations, and I hope that maybe if some of you are feeling the same way, you take comfort in knowing that you are not the only one.
Let me be the first one to say, I certainly do not have it bad. From the time I’m writing this, it has been seven weeks since I have been at work. I have been blessed to work for such an amazing library district that was one of the first organizations to close for the COVID-19 pandemic and they have continuously paid their employees for the full rate since then. Since there are not many work-from-home assignments that I can work on (I work mostly with the public and help maintain a program in the library), they have sent their employees some Professional Development tasks to ready ourselves up for re-opening. To say that I have lucked out is a serious understatement in my opinion. It has been amazing to not have to worry about money through all of this mess.
I would say March wasn’t that bad for me. The toughest part was getting used to the idea that I would have to stay home more. If you know me personally, you would know that I love going out and exploring. But I had hoped, like so many other Americans, that we could beat this disease and get back to normal life soon.
Well. That didn’t go according to plan.
April rolls around and by the first week, I had to settle with the fact that I wasn’t going to be able to visit my family like I wanted to do in the summer. Even if we re-open everything this month, I feel like it wouldn’t be a good idea to travel any time soon. I was super bummed out because I love to visit Texas and really wanted to go back home. I get that itch to be back home every six months or so. Oh well, I was able to shrug it off and figured that maybe later in the summer I could go down. I’ve always wanted to take my husband down to Texas in October too, so we could visit Screams Halloween Park and the Texas State Fair.
The first few weeks of April were uneventful. Thankfully I did not know anyone personally who was even affected by the disease, which was a huge blessing. I was starting to go a little stir-crazy sitting inside all the time, but we made sure to go outside at least a couple times a week and get some fresh air and sunshine. Work was still going good, as talks of potentially opening Idaho back up were in the air. And then BOOM. From this moment on, things have just been weird.
My mother-in-law was tested for COVID-19, due to showing symptoms. Of course, I happened to walk down to her house two days before she was tested, just to say hi and check up on the in-laws. Understandingly so, it kind of freaked me out. They had to stay in isolation for a week while they waited for the results to come back in. Since we were around them, my husband and I also self-isolated for a week. Thankfully, that next week, her test came back negative, which was a huge relief. Talk about a scary moment.
Unfortunately, her mother, who lived on the East Coast, died from the disease. I know it’s so tough on her because she can’t fly back to her family and the funeral. I brought her some flowers to cheer her up.
Then, not even a day after that, we experienced another hardship within the family. I’m not going into details of this one, for privacy reasons, but it was a total “sweep-you-off-your-feet” kind of moment and not the good kind. For the next four days after that, we were continuously hit with bad news involving her.
And lastly, I lost my grandfather a couple of days ago. While we didn’t get to spend much time together, I really respected him. He was always a rock within the family, always there. It will be so strange to not have him around when I get to visit Texas. Due to COVID-19 still being a threat, I was not able to visit my family and go to his funeral, which really bums me out. I know he would understand, but it’s still such a bummer for me.
With a little backstory out of the way, now I can talk about the point of this post. With everything happening all at once, I really felt like a bus ran over me, and then back up to hit me one more time, just to make sure. I felt like I was doing so well with everything for a long time, but this past week has just been a shitshow, pardon the language. I finally broke and just had to sit down and cry. Cry about my grandfather and my other family member. Cry about what is going on in the world. Cry about being disappointed that I couldn’t see my family in the summer. Cry about missing my job and my co-workers and my normal life. It just broke down like a dam. Sometimes though, I feel like it is good for your soul to just let it out. Let out all of the frustrations and feelings. I took the next couple of days off for myself. I let myself cry. I bundled in my blankets and binged Scooby-Doo (my ultimate comfort show, goes back all the way to my childhood). I ate unhealthy snacks. I napped to escape some reality. And I always turn to music to help me feel better. Blind Melon is always one of my go-to’s. Note, if you aren’t used to watching psychedelic 90s grunge music videos, this might take you by surprise. 😂
This was my self-care routine and man, I feel so much better. I’m still sad about some things, but I know things will get easier. I guess my whole point to this is to let yourself feel. Be selfish, do things that you know will comfort you. Turn off your brain for a while, ask for support from your friends and family, and know that it will be okay. I thought I was strong enough to handle this pandemic, but I should have known better, I’m such a baby sometimes. But that’s okay. 🙂
If you feel like your world is just upside-down, and your sad, anxious, depressed or just overwhelmed, I am always up for listening to you. I won’t judge, my contact tab is always open! We will get through this together. Until next time…
The Library Lady ♡
P.S. May is Mental Health Awareness month. Who knew this would time so well with it?